Marriage Psychology

There comes a time in every great love story when the grand illusions begin to shatter and the imperfections shine through. After the rush of endorphins stabilize, the bathroom habits are exposed, the red-hot romance may begin to cool, and that "happily ever after" seems to be playing out startlingly different than you once imagined.

In healthy marriages, deep admiration, commitment, and friendship remain intact long after the rose-colored lenses have faded. But what happens when you discover a world of dysfunctions and incompatibilities on the other side of the honeymoon phase? Perhaps your spouse pollutes your peace of mind—what if your sanity and safety come into question? In short, what if your marriage becomes toxic?

While even the most loving couples ebb and flow in their attraction, connection, and intimacy, there are some signs to look out for—ones that might point to a toxic marriage and make you question whether or not you should get a divorce.

It feels like your thoughts and opinions are locked on mute.

In a toxic marriage, you're seldom "allowed" to communicate your feelings, needs, and perspectives. And, in the rare instance that you’re given a mic, their voice seeks to overpower yours. Your spouse may belittle, dismiss or scoff at any fair attempt to express yourself.

 If the relationship isn’t balanced—if one party is always making the decisions without lovingly and wholly hearing the other person out, that is a marker of a toxic relationship. In a healthy relationship, the decisions are made equally and mutually with respect to both parties,” 

Toxic partners value what they want more than they value your comfort and security. “A loving marriage means being considerate of each other’s feelings, as well as being open and understanding of your partner’s needs"

They sabotage or guilt trip your efforts to evolve.

Anytime you attempt to activate your inner champion—perhaps transforming your eating habits, training for a half-marathon, or interviewing for a big-shot promotion, your partner may fracture your emotional legs with subtle jabs, all the while highlighting your shortcomings. They may even denounce your newfound efforts of self-improvement as being selfish or unfair to the marriage.

This is because toxic people often fear being one-upped, outdone, or left behind. Because of this insecurity, you may be shamed, ridiculed, or pumped full of venomous language that causes your charisma to fade, your momentum to stall, and subsequently, asks that you crawl back into a shell of stagnancy.

You Feel Controlled by Your Partner

“In a healthy relationship, both partners should have the ability to influence the other’s perspective, and each partner should be open to the other’s influence safely,” Your partner should be able to help you see things from their point of view and then you should have the freedom to either alter or maintain your position, and vice versa.” If your spouse limits your options or manipulates your choices, that is an indication they don’t view you as an equal.

This control can be overt and come in the form of limiting access to finances or financial information, asking for access to your phone or personal communications, deciding who you can and cannot speak with, and blocking opportunities (like, say, refusing to take on childcare duties during an important job interview).

You Stay Only to Minimize Negative Impacts on Your Family

“It’s normal to think about how others will respond to your choice, but it should not be at the top of the list of what’s keeping you there,”. If you’re staying in your marriage to minimize negative impacts on your family, your children, or even your partner, you aren’t taking good care of yourself—and that can show up in ways that could be even more painful for those you’re trying to protect down the line. “Bottom line: If over an extended period of time, you have to convince yourself of reasons to stay, it’s time to explore the possibility of what it means to go,”.

You Might Be Having an Emotional Affair 

While it’s totally normal (and healthy!) to seek validation and connection outside of your marriage, it’s important to maintain boundaries that are respectful of your spouse. “Some factors that might point to an emotional affair are if you feel you have to repeatedly hide your interactions with the person you are venting to, if you find yourself spending a good amount of time and mental energy on that person, or if you are de-prioritizing your marriage in order to make more room for this person in your life,”.

You’ve Stopped Arguing Entirely

Conflict is tough in any relationship and can take a high emotional and physical toll if it’s happening all the time. But it can also be an opportunity to air the frustrations that need mending, and, in its own way, show that both partners are still invested enough to hash things out. If you’re avoiding conflict entirely because you’re afraid of how your partner handles arguments or because you don’t think it’s worth the energy, that can be a sign it’s time to move on.

Solution 

Do conversations  — when our spouse has hurt or disappointed us, for instance, or we disagree on something critical, talk to them about your thoughts, feelings and emotions.

Conversations connected to challenges can help us to grow, both as individuals and as a couple. They can expose our blind spots or lead us to make important and necessary changes in our lives.

Although these are critical conversations to have in a marriage relationship, they’re delicate, too, so we need to engage with a sense of grace. We need to use our best active-listening skills (“So, I hear you saying …”), validate whatever emotions are in play and be willing to offer forgiveness if it’s needed.

Now, the  types of communication I outlined above are, for the most part, natural conversations for a husband and wife to have. We engage in chitchat because it’s fun and we want to share. We administrate our marriage because, well, someone’s got to pick up Annie, right? We deal with issues because we know we have to.

But if all our conversations revolved around small talk, administration and conflict resolution, we’d get disinterested in talking to each other. Some couples seem to just run out of things to talk about. And it makes me wonder if they ignored a fourth critical type of communication. 

So tell boldly to your partner that you want  Love, Trust and Respect in your Life and that your self-Respect and Self-Esteem is more important to you.